This is a new feature I’ll try to do a better job of keeping up with this offseason.  The Cheerleader of the Week gig kind of got old.  I still looked at pictures, but I ran out of material quickly.  Since I can’t sleep past 6:30 anymore, Sunday mornings will serve well for the matter.

It’s kind of a stupid, interesting or funny story how I came up with that name.  I’ll tell you how it came about and then you can decide for yourself the level of quality.  As I’m watching Sportscenter highlights and drinking coffee this morning, Dick Vitale pops on the screen during the Super Bowl prediction segment.  I think he picked the Colts, but I wasn’t really listening to him.  I was thinking to myself, “why do I like this guy?”

Vitale is one of my favorite personalities in basketball sports media.  Not because of quality, I actually find him quite annoying to a degree.  However, I often find myself drifting into a Vitale trance when watching games between two A-10 conference teams in which I have no interest.  Complete watching a trainwork mentality here as there is no telling what this jackass will say next.  The same reason you tune in every week to watch Lou Holtz breakdown an LThU vs. Mithithiffi game. 

 I’m probably the only Dave Lapham fan on the planet. 

His early seasons in the booth were a turnoff for me and I had reached mute TV turn on radio level of patience with him.  And, then one fall Saturday a couple years back in what I believe was a Texas vs. Iowa State game, I find myself shaking my head in disbelief as I think I just heard Lapham coin the term “Face Rape” on somewhere besides Youporn.  Like national TV.  Allsome. 

There are no limits to what will come out of Lapham’s mouth next and his incessant babbling and over the top antics become amusing to me somewhere along the way.  I’m just waiting for him to fail.  He’s going to get busted for biting a stewardess or something weird like that one day.  A blatant racial slur.  It could be anything.  Guy is a complete wildcard.  And, I’m going to laugh for some reason.

Dave South is arguably the all-time greatest in the history of evAR.  Especially, if you’re not an Aggie, and I’m frankly impressed their entire fanbase hasn’t committed mass suicide being tortured by the guy.  I wish that Texags dude would get on here and re-post the Dave South Casserole call.  Gold.  We don’t laugh at you now, Aggie fans.  Corky Oglesby entered our lives this season.  I’ve never heard anything like him and even his name doesn’t do him justice.  Wow.  We’ve got to keep this guy around for the, “No wait, you don’t know how bad our guy sucks” factor.  He has internet legend potential if we keep him around.  A level of sucktitude I wasn’t aware existed in sports radio broadcasting.   

When contemplating the title for a blog on the happenings of Big 12 blogworld, Around the Horn came to mind, but it seemed obvious and un-Tortilla Retort like.  I’m of a niche fanbase that looks forward to watching the timed roping events of the National Finals Rodeo on ESPN every year.  That’s another long story tracing back to the early days of my youth.  Rodeo continues to fly under the radar for the quality of over-the-top color commentators. 

Joe Beaver is the only guy I’ve ever heard that can describe a tie-down calf roping run as a life or death situation.  Every run starts with one of about three different token Beaver calls:  #1 The “Seven-Two!!! Seven-Two!!! Seven-Two!!!”  #2 The “He got out!!!He got out!!! He got out!!!” #3 The “He’s late!!! He’s late!!! He’s late!!!”  I can’t imagine how quick the average person changes the channel when a random crazy guy starts yelling confusing Rodeo jargon at them. 

My Rodeo announcing dream team would consist of Bob Tallman, Don Gay, and Beaver in his current place.  I call them the “Jerk!!! Job!!! Grab-n-Scratch!!! Cowboy!!! Stay out of the well, boy!!! Stay out of the well, boy!!! Stay out of the well, boy!!! Seven-Two!!!” trio.   That has to be confusing to even a farmer in Iowa or a gal from Mesquite wearing Rockies and a double-heart belt buckle.  I would say that’s a somewhat fair sampling of the fringe TV audience ESPN is hoping to attract with the broadcast.  

Since I’m convinced the phrase “Around the Horn” originated from the West Texas cowboy practice of wrapping a rope around a saddle horn, I pined to maintain historical integrity with an off-shoot title.  Every successful tie-down calf roping run ends with the process of making two wraps around three legs finished off by a half-hitch using what I can most easily describe to those of you who haven’t quit reading yet and aren’t completely confused as a mini-rope.  The slang term and Beaver call favorite, which he might utilize in double digit fashion on any one run, is known as “Two Loops & a Hooey!!!”

When I decided to roll with that title I figured someone was going to eventually ask for an explanation, which could create a lot more writing in a response post than my level of commitment at the time can allow.  I’ve got time now.   I may have over-estimated how much you care about the title and I apologize for that, but it provides me a certain level of comfort knowing you’re informed.  It’s just one of those little things that might help you out on Jeopardy some day and I’m a sucker for that kind of cross-cultural intel myself.  We won’t have to cover this again and you’ll now be able to identify the  subject theme as we recycle the title on a periodic basis. 

I guess it would have been a lot easier to roll with “Big 12 Blogosphere”, but I just thought of that and I’ve invested way too much time to change it now.

Texas Longhorns

ScipioTex stumbled out of a 30-day heroin binge in Chinatown to take a look at the recruiting class.  The abridged version is Texas signed a bunch of badass defensive players and wide receivers.  I get that part.  I’m still not sure how they are confident enough in their evaluations to only take 2 OL signees at a position where a 40% retention rate is considered a screaming success no matter how bullet-proof your class looks on paper.  They must be high on the 2011 class, I assume.  Trips Right is on the brink of unraveling with his basketball team.

Texas A&M Aggies

The Aggies absolutely killed it on signing day at the OL position.  Matthews, Joekel, Klinke and Gramling.  They get “the most likely team to handle your defensive line in 3 years” award.  DT and RB are the other areas where the Aggies scored.  Losing Corey Nelson sounded like a big deal and it might have been.  My only consolation to the Aggies is that he’s not good enough to slow down Rex Burkhead in a playoff game.  It was much more critical to address needs at OL and DT.

Oklahoma Sooners

NateHeupel is amped about the Sooner class, which took on a more national tone this season.  I think they scored big at guard with Bronson Irwin and Adam Shead.  I’m not very familiar with the non-Texas signees, but Eric Humphrey is a baller from that group and the LB class is fast and athletic highlighted by the snatching of Nelson from the Ags.

I spent too much time explaining what a hooey was and have to roll now.